#142: Roads Like Roller Coasters, Complain Motorists [Mirkai; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
A group of local motorists have assembled outside of City Hall to protest against the shoddy state of roads in @@NAME@@.
The Debate
1. "These roads are terrible!" shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the @@NAME@@ Auto Club. "Every few feet there's a crack, or a pothole, or a gravel patch, or the remains of someone else's car! It's really too much! And just look at this-" he adds, rubbing a nasty bruise on his forehead - "I got that from my rear-view mirror after flying over a bump on Main Street! These roads must be fixed! There really needs to be vast improvements made now, before anyone gets seriously hurt."
The Results: roads are often attended by round-the-clock construction crews.
Taxes +1
2. @@RANDOMNAME@@, avowed anti-spending advocate, disagrees: "Road construction? What a waste of @@CURRENCY@@s! If people can still drive on them, then the roads are fine as they are. Spending more to make trivial repairs would just be a waste of the tax payers' money! We should just ignore these whiners and leave the roads as they are and if the drivers don't like that - well... then they can just learn to walk like the rest of us."
The Results: the roads are virtually falling apart.
3. "Why on Earth is it the government's responsibility to build and maintain roads?" asks bicyclist @@RANDOMNAME@@, pausing for breath. "Not all citizens own automobiles, you know. The government should be trying to make life better for all, not just car owners! If people want roads, then let private industry build them, and they can charge tolls to the people who actually drive on them. Leave the government out of it!"
The Results: women earn less than half the salary of men if they can even find a job.
Economy +1
Taxes -2
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#200: Birds, Bees, And Breeding Teens [Eta Carinae; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
A study has shown that an increasing proportion of teenagers in @@NAME@@ are falling pregnant.
The Debate
1. "We need comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in all schools," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a teacher while tidying away some diagrams that make your eyes water. "The plain fact is that teenagers will experiment with sexual intercourse despite what society or their parents wish. So I say give these kids free contraceptives, and make them fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Information is what they need, not condemnation. If they ignore it then hey, it's their own damn fault."
The Results: schoolchildren have twice-weekly sex education classes.
2. "If you give them contraception it'll just encourage them to do... terrible things," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a religious parent and member of Moral Minority. "And what's with giving them so much information? There's even diagrams for goodness sake! Have they never heard of 'monkey see, monkey do'? They'll just go and try it out, mark my words! The solution is simple: girls should be kept at home and away from the monkey house of lustful impetuousness and young males until they are of marriageable age. Teaching teenagers abstinence and chastity is the key, not giving them step-by-step manuals."
The Results: dark alleys and public toilets are filled with furtive sexual activities among teenagers and unmarried adults.
Taxes +1
3. "However sex education is taught, it is still social engineering and so undermines parental authority," says conservative newspaper columnist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "My own son learned about something called 'homosexuality' the other day! For shame! We all know it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and... Geoff? Anyway, my point is that sex education should be dropped from schools and instead taught by parents the way they see fit. That way children will get consistent messages and parents, not society, will cop the blame if any of their kids fall pregnant."
The Results: a study has shown that many parents are too embarrassed to teach their children sex education.
Taxes -1
4. "No-one's asked me my opinion yet," says Catherine Gratwick, a teenage mother as she bottle-feeds her baby. "I think it's perfectly obvious what the cause of teenage pregnancy is - teenage boys! My son's father is the one that got me into this mess. He's the one who pressured me into having sex, but all the education is focused on the girls. Teenage fathers should be made responsible for their actions for once and be made to join the military so they can send their wages back to pay for their children's upkeep. If that's not a deterrent, then I don't know what is."
The Results: teenage fathers are forced to join the army.
Civil Rights -3
5. "I think we've missed the fact that maybe this teenage pregnancy phenomenon is not such a bad thing," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a famous demographer. "We need the population to grow, we need more people of working age, we need more tax for public services, et cetera. There are plenty of sound demographical reasons why we should be encouraging women to have families. By all means educate them about the dangers, but I don't think we ought to discourage teenagers from procreating - it's nature's way you know."
The Results: the lowest age at which one can marry has been recently lowered to 12.
Civil Rights +5
Taxes +1
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#054: Time To Put The Older Senators Out To Pasture? [Pangaa; ed:Reploid Productions]
The Issue
Many people are starting to think that it's time to put term limits on elected officials, given the average age of 70 years old and 40 years of service in the nation's Parliament.
The Debate
1. "It's time to get these lifetime politicians off the government payroll!" says term-limits advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Let them get real jobs like the rest of us once they leave office. Besides, if they are currently a Senator, they can always run for another office like Governor. This gives people the right to elect whomever they want to run for office, just not the same office forever. It'll keep things from going completely stale!"
The Results: strict term limits have been applied to all elected offices.
2. "Wait a minute," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairman of the national Infinite Power party. "We pay a lot of money to get those people into office. It can take several terms before we get a return on our investment, I mean, candidates. We should extend the number of years for each term, not limit the number of times a person can serve in any specific office!"
The Results: elected officials often serve for decades in a single term.
Political Freedoms -1
3. Your aunt's mother's step-sister's best friend's hairstylist, @@RANDOMNAME@@, pooh-poohs the entire idea. "You know how to run your country, yes? Why deal with the hassle of elected officials and elections in the first place, yes? Eliminate elections and this entire term limit issue becomes moot, yes?"
The Results: elections are outlawed and a hairstylist has recently received a government appointment.
Political Freedoms -12
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#083: High-Speed Monorail Service Promises Connections [Baudrillard; ed:Reploid Productions]
The Issue
Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom (VAZZ), a consortium of weird-looking hippies and yuppie roller coaster aficionados, has developed plans for a high-speed monorail service for @@NAME@@ to help counter and relieve problems brought about by banning cars.
The Debate
1. "This is great," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, devout anti-spending advocate. "You know what'll happen? The government will invest huge sums of money in a service no one will use. I suggest nipping it in the bud... and cutting back government spending across the board while you're at it."
The Results: government spending has hit an all-time low.
Economy +2
Taxes -6
2. "I disagree," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of Vroom-A-Zoom-Zoom Ltd. "If people are worried about the costs, why not let the monorail service be a private company? That way, it will have to compete with other industries and make a profit. And don't forget that'll bring in more tax revenue. Of course, that would make fares too pricey for a lot of people, but the rich would probably use it a lot!"
The Results: only the wealthy can afford monorail fares.
Economy +7
Taxes -1
3. "I really disagree," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an unwashed denizen standing in the middle of Noh Weir, population 200, on the outskirts of @@NAME@@. "The state must run the monorail service, otherwise it's useless. What a monorail system should do is connect both large and small cities, and the only way to do that is for the government to run the rails, using the profits from the larger cities to subsidize the routes for smaller ones."
The Results: a vast monorail network carries people all over the country.
Taxes +2
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#059: Drunk Driving On The Rise [Cspalla; ed:SalusaSecondus]
The Issue
More and more, citizens are drinking before getting behind the wheel. A group of concerned citizens wants something done.
The Debate
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of @@NAME@@'s chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous, says that drunk drivers need help. "Alcoholism is a nasty thing, a disease. The government has to help these poor souls to avoid the temptations of liquor, and wine, and beer, and hard cider, and brandy, and?" His eyes get a glazed far off look, "Where was I? Oh right, we have to help these people, not imprison them."
The Results: drunk drivers are sent to rehabilitation paid for by the government.
Taxes +1
2. "That's lovely," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a noted anti-alcohol advocate, "In a perfect world where rehab fixes everything. But this is the real world, and it doesn't bring back the victims. Drunk drivers kill people every day. If they take other's lives, the government must take theirs!"
The Results: drunk drivers are sentenced to death.
3. "All of those plans attack the symptoms, not the disease," says Minister of Transportation @@RANDOMNAME@@, "Alcohol is a curse, a poison sent by the Devil to tempt mankind. We cannot trust people to make decisions for themselves. The only answer is prohibition. Ban alcohol completely."
The Results: all alcohol is banned.
Civil Rights -1
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#094: Computer Users Fed Up With Heaps of Spam! [Bored Yawning; ed:Reploid Productions]
The Issue
A survey citing a tremendous increase in unsolicited emails has added fire to the subject of what many view as a scourge of the Internet.
The Debate
1. "The spam problem is out of control," states anti-spam advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I get at least fifty spam e-mails a day. That isn't even counting the spam people are posting to my newsgroup and to my messageboard. This junk is a waste of time in that I have to delete it and a waste of my money in that I have to buy anti-spam programs-which hardly work anyway. People get swindled by this stuff - it should be a crime, just like regular fraud."
The Results: the government spends millions of CURRENCYs every year prosecuting spammers.
Civil Rights -1
Taxes +2
2. "A ban on all spam is a restriction on our freedom of speech and on the freedom of the press!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@ president of Citizens for Internet Freedom. "What is the government to say what is and isn't commercial spam? Could they haul charity representatives off to jail for seeking donations? Could they jail politicians for using e-mail to try and gain votes? Could they arrest me if I accidentally send my erotic novel-in-progress to the wrong address? Seriously, spamming is a subjective offense and as such should not be considered a crime."
The Results: computer users are buried daily in thousands of unsolicited emails.
3. "Both sides are wrong," grumbles government paper-pusher @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Spam is definitely a problem, yet so is the restriction on freedoms which some draconian anti-spam codes would impose. I propose a ban on overtly fraudulent spam, and a tax on more legitimate businesses that rely on spam as an advertising method, and a strict legal definition of spam that would ensure no innocent person was prosecuted or taxed."
The Results: the government is making attempts at curtailing the flood of spam emails with little progress.
Taxes +1
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#108: Gambling Interests Offer High Stakes [New Sweden X; ed:Reploid Productions]
The Issue
In light of @@NAME@@'s ban on gambling, people ranging from angry homemakers to allegedly legitimate businessmen have been arguing incessantly about whether or not banning casinos was a good idea.
The Debate
1. "We are highly distressed at your decision to revoke our casino licences," says FamilyCorp. Representative "Fat Tony" @@RANDOMNAME@@, while sipping a glass of fine wine. "If the ban were to be revoked, think of all the money you could get from your cut of the profit. In addition, it would help ensure the safety of assorted members of @@NAME@@'s government. I think this is an offer that you should not refuse."
The Results: rumor has it that the government was paid off by the mob to allow casinos to reopen.
Economy +16
Taxes -1
2. "These casinos cannot be allowed to reopen!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an ex-gambling addict. "Remember what happened last time? People get out of control and lose their life's savings! Just say no to these so-called legitimate businesses! And crack down on the rest of organized crime while you're at it."
The Results: the mob and the police have recently had numerous clashes in the back alleys of NATION's cities due to the government's steadfast anti-casino stance.
Taxes +1
3. "There is a solution to this problem," says Native @@NAME@@ite chief Dances-With-@@ANIMAL@@s. "You could let us front the casinos as payback for stealing our land, and we'll enforce age limits and pay some tax on the income these casinos generate. Just think of the jobs it could create for us, and the boost to the economy!"
The Results: gambling addicts regularly lose their families' nest eggs at Native Nationite casinos.
Economy +3
Taxes -1
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#047: The Great Wall of @@NAME@@? [1 Infinite Loop; ed:Reploid Productions]
The Issue
Due to the ongoing wars in neighboring countries, a recent rash of illegal immigrants have been caught at the borders of @@NAME@@, prompting many citizens to call for tighter immigration laws.
The Debate
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ National Purity League says "These illegal aliens are just an eyesore with their strange customs and funny languages. Uneducated immigrants like these only worsen crime and steal valuable jobs! I say we should boot them all out on their ears and put a big fence around the country!"
The Results: a large concrete wall is being built around the country's borders.
2. @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Civil Liberties Union says "We must welcome these refugees from any nation into our open arms, they are fleeing one oppressive dictatorial regime in the only way they know, we must not let them think they're jumping from the frying pan into the fire!"
The Results: refugees from other nations are flocking to NATION's border.
3. "Hold on there, hold on people!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@NAME@@ Broadcasting company, "We don't have to take either extreme, all we have to do is make a TV game show out of it! We put deadly obstacles on the border and monitor it with television cameras! Those that make it across win freedom and citizenship, and those who don't, well, lets just say that our buzzards won't starve. We could call it 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?'!"
The Results: the controversial show 'Who Wants to be an Immigrant?' has become wildly popular.
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#267: Controversial Coup Causes Commotion [Sedgistan; ed:Sedgistan]
The Issue
A coup in a neighbouring country has seen a mercenary force led by retired @@NAME@@ian general @@RANDOMNAME@@ take charge of the peaceful backwater, purging the opposition, and suppressing freedoms. Despite the new leader making a dubious promise to hold elections, the government in exile is demanding that @@NAME@@ takes action.
The Debate
1. "THIS IS A DISGRACE", bellows Brigadier General @@RANDOMNAME@@, scattering plastic soldiers over the floor. "This traitor must be overthrown! Gather together our forces and sweep the tyrant from power. While we're at it, @@NAME@@ could do with some more tanks - you never know when the next coup might be."
The Results: the government is pouring money into 'Operation Enduring Democracy'.
Taxes +2
2. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a junior official, puts down "Diplomacy for Dummies" and pipes up. "The best method of solving problems is talking. Send the new regime a strongly worded letter of protest and encourage them to negotiate. On a similar note, perhaps you could take your spouse out for a meal tonight. You've been spending far too much time sorting out this nation's issues lately."
The Results: the art of conversation has been rediscovered.
Taxes -1
3. Noted realist and tabloid columnist @@RANDOMNAME@@ disagrees. "We should give this new regime a chance. After all, they now control a sizeable economy, and they need weapons - we could offer to recognise the new government if they agreed to buy arms from us. Also, I couldn't help but notice some protesters outside your office. We wouldn't want a coup happening here - everyone would feel safer if they were moved on."
The Results: the government encourages conflict abroad to increase arms sales.
Economy +1
Political Freedoms -11
Taxes -6
4. "I don't see what the problem is", a voice strangely like your own whispers in your ear. Your twin, standing far too close for comfort, continues, "this has given me a great idea - why not just declare yourself supreme leader of @@NAME@@? After all, the people do love you so very much."
The Results: pollsters are out of a job as elections have been cancelled.
Political Freedoms -21
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#324 "Tourism Tanking!" Trumpet Tabloids
The Issue
Following a public safety disaster of unimaginable magnitude - so extreme that members of your government only mention it in hushed voices, and only then in the vaguest of terms - NATION's tourism industry has hit the rocks. Commentators from all walks of life have come to your office to offer their opinions.
The Debate
1. "The government has to step in and do something, for once!" demands tour operator Doris Usman, visibly pulling her hair out. "If we'd had proper railings on the marina, that shark would never have gotten into the oil refinery in the first place! The government has to put better regulations in place to make sure disasters of this kind never happen again. And if we want to coax back the tourists we've lost, we need a whole bunch of new state-subsidised hotels, parks and tourist attractions. Shark-proof ones. Our economy will never survive without it!"
The Results: a new generation of aquariumless hotels are being built under government supervision.
Economy +4
Taxes +1
2. "Why waste more money?" grumbles middle-aged industrialist Konrad Leach, chomping on a fat cigar, "Look. I'm as sorry as the next schmuck for those poor farmers' ant epidemic. But we've got to realise that tourism is just not NATION's strong suit; and that's not going to change, no matter how much the state spends. Hell, if the government really wanted to do something to fix our economy, it'd be to give everyone a healthy tax-cut and get rid of some of that environmental legislation - set up for the benefit of a bunch of tree-hugging foreigners, I might add."
The Results: visitors to the famed rainforests are instead taken to vast furniture factories.
Economy +2
Taxes -2
3. "I think I've got another solution to this problem," says your shadiest government advisor, waving a magazine spread of bathing beauties sunning themselves at the NATION City Grand Regent. "Now we're not goin' to be able to hide the fact that Capital City is now covered in pink frosting, but... what if the inspectors an' tour guides an' all those types of folks just didn't notice all that mess? After all, we don't have the money to clear it all up, but I think we do have just about enough to dangle a few CURRENCYs in front of anyone who wants to give our nation a good review. After all, a few firm golden handshakes never hurt no-one."
The Results: online tourism reviews of NATION are suspiciously positive and amazingly similar.
Civil Rights -1
Economy +3
Taxes +1
Friday, November 23, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Issues #115, #169, #207, #245, #247, #259, #297, #318, #322 and #323
#322: Empathy a Rare Commodity? [The Cookish States; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of @@NAME@@, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.
The Debate
1. "Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education," says Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ of @@NAME@@ University. "Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!"
The Results: citizens are expected to be proficient in at least five languages.
Taxes +1
2. "To be frank, the need for outsiders' speak doesn't appeal to me in the slightest!" claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a fierce patriot. "Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of @@NAME@@! What's more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it'll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I've always said that we don't need any others but our own!"
The Results: all streets are privately owned toll roads.
Economy +4
Taxes -2
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#247: Where There's Smoke [Avartinate; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
@@NAME@@'s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.
The Debate
1. "See here, buddy," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. "Your country needs fire protection, but you don't want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It's not like we won't put out the fires if they don't have anything on them, we'll just bill them and their children and their children's children until we get all our money."
The Results: reports of arson have doubled since the introduction of a privatised fire protection service.
Economy +7
Taxes -1
2. "Woah, woah, woah!" Says liberal activist, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I don't want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don't have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you're at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It's only fair."
The Results: the fire protection service is wholly government-funded.
Taxes +1
3. "Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. "And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in @@NAME@@ so be it! Damn the expenses, @@LEADER@@, lives are at stake!"
The Results: most citizens in NATION are abject pyrophobes after extremely graphic pamphlets were mailed nationwide by the government.
Taxes +1
4. "I think that sounds kinda... socialist," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ with a disgusted grimace. "The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you'll find they wise up quite quickly! We don't need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they'll have no one to blame but themselves."
The Results: the government's only official statement on the burning down of Capital City was that 'they shouldn't have been so careless'.
Economy +2
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#259: A Taste Of Revenge [South Von; ed:Kandarin]
The Issue
A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which @@NAME@@ has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.
The Debate
1. "Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!" says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. "An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... 'manipulating' the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of @@NAME@@'s glory." He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths 'bang bang' noises.
The Results: the nation's diplomatic missives are now delivered via sniper rifle.
Political Freedoms -5
2. "Sending assassins to avenge you isn't enough!" argues hawkish talk-show host, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless."
The Results: the nation's new foreign policy of 'very disproportionate retribution' has its neighbors on edge.
Taxes +1
3. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" says the muffled voice of @@RANDOMNAME@@, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. "By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren't giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen."
The Results: the government tries to improve relations with hostile countries by sending gift baskets.
The Issue
Last week, a jaywalking man was hit by a truck in a busy intersection. He lay there for seventeen hours before a policeman tripped over him and brought him to jail for loitering.
The Debate
1."This is despicable!" yelps one lone protester, desperately trying to get others involved. "How low have we sunk that we care so little for our fellow man? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face. You must create an Empathy Awareness Squad. They would train people on how to be kind to and empathize with one another. Sure, it'll require some extra taxes, but can you really put a price on kindness? I mean, what if YOU get hit by a truck next time?"
The Results: citizens are tied down and forced to watch educational videos on empathy.
Civil Rights -1
2."Good riddance!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sullen, disgruntled postal worker. "I think we should give the policeman who arrested that freeloader a medal! Mandatory empathy programs? Ha! No amount of touchy-feely 'training' is gonna make me empathize with these idiots. This is just nature's way of weeding out the weak and infirm. In fact, we should cut what social spoon-feeding programs we've got left. Give your good and decent citizens a tax break."
The Results: curtailed social programs have left many citizens bereft of any safety net.
Taxes -2
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#323: Get Teens out of MyFace? [Malsitar; ed:Lenyo]
The Issue
After the kidnapping, rape, and murder of a young blond girl made national headlines in @@NAME@@, the concerned parenting organization Mothers Against Youth Doing Stupid Stuff (MAYDSS) has raised concerns over the use of social networking sites by the nation's teens.
The Debate
1."Teens should not be allowed to use social networking!" cries the girl's mother, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Some creep added my little darling as a 'friend' on that awful website, and he used it to get all of her personal information and track her down! Obviously, the only sane course of action is to ban all legal minors from using social networking sites! And don't just stop at social networks: block everything else that MAYDSS doesn't approve of!"
The Results: it is now illegal for teens to view any sites except Club Kitten and My Little Donkey.
Civil Rights -2
Authoritarianism +0.010
Ideological Radicality +1
Law Enforcement +1
Nudity -2
Safety +1
Social Conservatism +2
Weather -1
2."Why that's utterly preposterous!" shouts Luke Zuckermann, founder of MyFace, a popular social networking site. "You can't restrict people like that! Oh, sure, today it's keeping teens from lining my wa- I mean - accessing my website, but tomorrow it's keeping everyone from anywhere the government doesn't like! I say free up the web, and get rid of restrictions!"
The Results: the nation leads REGION in per capita stalking.
Civil Rights +4
Taxes -1
3."You know, there's always a compromise," says local pervert @@RANDOMNAME@@ while watching you from a nearby tree. "As I see it, the best way to keep both sides of the argument happy is to remove all restrictions on what adults can view and increase restrictions on minors. But at the same time, lower the age of majority by a lot. What could possibly go wrong?"
The Results: the fastest growing demographic of porn viewership is twelve to seventeen.
Civil Rights +3
4."What could possibly go wrong, you ask?" panics your paranoid cousin, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "On the internet, nobody knows your actual age. It's a haven for malicious anonymity! Besides, children aren't the only people at risk on the internet. It's full of stalker-rapists and bomb-makers and viruses and sick, depraved porn. We're better off without it."
The Results: computers are used primarily for word processing and solitaire.
Civil Rights -3
Taxes +1
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#169: @@ANIMAL@@ Hunting Laws Under Dispute [Vigorithia; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
The fierce debate on @@ANIMAL@@ hunting in @@NAME@@ has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.
The Debate
1. "@@ANIMAL@@ hunting is a cruel and horrible 'sport' for the wealthy," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the 'Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society'. "How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about 'tradition' and 'pest control' and other such nonsense, but really we all know it's because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!"
The Results: the upper class have been throwing riots after hunting was recently banned.
Civil Rights -6
2. "Banning @@ANIMAL@@ hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!" wails esteemed aristocrat @@RANDOMNAME@@ from atop his steed. "The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the @@ANIMAL@@ scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can't deny that @@ANIMAL@@s are pests - killing farmers' livestock for example! I propose that @@ANIMAL@@ hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!"
The Results: the nation is famous for having one of the world's largest ANIMAL hunting institutions.
3. "Well, you know what I think?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. "I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent @@ANIMAL@@ is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles."
The Results: main battle tanks stalk the woods of NATION in search of ANIMALS.
4. "I'm firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, while feeding an infant @@ANIMAL@@ with a milk bottle. "It would be best if the animals didn't die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic 'tap' with his hand? Now isn't that much nicer for everyone?"
The Results: hunters have been known to lose limbs while attempting to 'play tag' with their prey.
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#318: Death Penalty on Death Row? [Andacantra; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate @@RANDOMNAME@@ was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.
The Debate
1. "This is government sanctioned murder!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. "It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it's the only right and moral thing to do!"
The Results: prisoners work-share to cut down rising costs of keeping them in jail.
Civil Rights +1
2. "What about other potential criminals out there?" whimpers @@NAME@@ Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. "Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!"
The Results: the populace lives in fear of painful execution for minor offences.
Civil Rights -7
3. "There's absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased", states @@RANDOMNAME@@, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. "But I have an idea. If we're going to be killing these people, we ensure it's as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We'll be an international benchmark!"
The Results: criminals are put to death while cuddling their favourite teddy bear.
4. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. "We don't go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin'. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there'll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy."
The Results: police officers have been re-kitted with designer uniforms and gold plated handcuffs.
5. "Hows abo' bringin' back dem-dere good ol' fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!" shouts Jethro, a survivalist. "Who'd dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen' is bein' pelted ta death wit' rocks?"
The Results: innocent people are routinely stoned to death by frenzied lynch mobs.
Taxes -2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#297: Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field [Gior Altheriod; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
During the last @@NAME@@ Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.
The Debate
1. "How is this difficult to understand?" questions well-known sports commentator @@RANDOMNAME@@. "There are sports and competitions just for men, and there are sports and competitions just for women; we don't let men run in a women's race, so what's the difference here? And if it's too difficult to decide whether the athlete is a man or woman, then we shouldn't let them compete at all! Fair is fair is fair."
The Results: muscular women are banned from competing in sporting competitions.
2. "I think I see a solution to all this," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Solutions, whilst solving the crossword in your morning newspaper. "We should overhaul the entire sport system in @@NAME@@ so that people compete against each other based on skill, not gender. Sure, it might be expensive but it'd be worth it if we want everyone to be happy."
The Results: the 'kind of scrawny' 500 meter hurdle is a popular event.
Civil Rights +3
Taxes +1
3. "We can't just stop there!" protests well-known LGBTQQIA activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should completely overhaul @@NAME@@ itself to make it less hostile to those like Ms. Johnson! Schools, hospitals, workplaces – they'll all need to be changed! There should be public toilets catered solely for the intersex too! You can't put a price on equality!"
The Results: national parks have long lines of different gender-specific 'Porta-Pottys'.
Civil Rights +2
Taxes +1
4. "You're not actually going to listen to that parasite, I hope?" your bald, heavily tattooed cousin says with a raised eyebrow. "You want to actually give these monsters recognition? Not only are they going to make us the laughing stock of the international community, but they, and other freaks like them, are an insult to our race. What we must do is banish such scum from @@NAME@@; their lesser blood and DNA are only an impediment to the success and dominance of our race – a master race!"
The Results: hairdressers are among those who have disappeared overnight.
Civil Rights -4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#207: Secret Police In @@NAME@@? [GX-Land; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Anarchists have been covertly putting up anti-government posters all over @@NAME@@. Some of your closest advisors have suggested the implementation of a secret police force to deal with the more... difficult members of society.
The Debate
1. "Sometimes a government has got to deal with something without having to go through the 'proper channels'," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who does not exist within any of @@NAME@@'s records. "It happens sometimes and we have to deal with it. It's not just anarchists either - it's the terrorists, the criminals, the traitors, and the goddamn hippies. With a secret police we can arrest the troublemakers and torture them to find other dissenters without having to worry about fiddly matters like human rights."
The Results: rumours have it that a secret police is responsible for the recent spate of missing persons.
Civil Rights -2
Political Freedoms -36
Taxes +2
Ideological Radicality +5
2. "Don't listen to that idiot!" whispers @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your more guilt-ridden henchpersons. "I don't know how you feel about this but I think this would be a bad path for our government to go down. @@NAME@@ shouldn't resort to deceit and off-the-record brutality to put away people. A secret police force would ruin our fine nation. It's time our government was candid with its people and let them say what they want!"
The Results: anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper.
Civil Rights +8
Political Freedoms +36
Taxes -3
3. "Or how about we be candid AND have a secret police force," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ your head spy from behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut out. "We could just reassign all the normal police into secret police. The beauty of it is that we won't have to bother solving crimes if it doesn't benefit the government! It's what we've always wanted! Not what the people want of course, but if they complain we can just make them... disappear."
The Results: the police force is rumoured to be made up of evil shadows with no souls.
Civil Rights -4
Political Freedoms -19
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in @@NAME@@ are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country's rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.
The Debate
1. "It's disrespectful," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, serving traditional @@ANIMAL@@-shaped cookies on a tray. "These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I've never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don't even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much."
The Results: immigrants are required to salute the flag five times a day.
2. "I have a right to lead my life the way I want," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. "I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don't wish to 'integrate' shouldn't have to."
The Results: racial and religious segregation has become rife as the various groups are loath to mingle.
Civil Rights +5
3. "Oh, there's no need to be like that!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. "@@NAME@@ should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don't reject it! These folk aren't hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It's our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it."
The Results: religious figures have been banned from public holidays to make them more multicultural.
Civil Rights -1
4. "We need to stop thinking of 'them' as a problem that needs to be fixed," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, an undergraduate in anthropology. "Integration in society is a two-way street, @@LEADER@@. We can't shun people for not following @@FAITH@@ or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That's just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in @@NAME@@."
The Results: all citizens must pass a 'multicultural sensitivity test' to be deemed fit for society
Civil Rights +4
5. "That's stupid," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, flatly. "I'm not going to 'bond' with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they'll realise that yeah, they're people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere."
The Results: property values in suburbs have nosedived after the middle class were forced to live next door to ethnic minorities.
Civil Rights -2
Taxes +1
6. "Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, shouting into a megaphone. "How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We've all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn't be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn't be allowed! I won't abide it!"
The Results: the word 'foreigner' is considered a highly vulgar expletive.
Taxes +1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#115: @@NAME@@'s Schoolchildren Not Learning The Lingua Franca [Travis Dominicus; ed:Sirocco]
Last week, a jaywalking man was hit by a truck in a busy intersection. He lay there for seventeen hours before a policeman tripped over him and brought him to jail for loitering.
The Debate
1."This is despicable!" yelps one lone protester, desperately trying to get others involved. "How low have we sunk that we care so little for our fellow man? The answer is as plain as the nose on your face. You must create an Empathy Awareness Squad. They would train people on how to be kind to and empathize with one another. Sure, it'll require some extra taxes, but can you really put a price on kindness? I mean, what if YOU get hit by a truck next time?"
The Results: citizens are tied down and forced to watch educational videos on empathy.
Civil Rights -1
2."Good riddance!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sullen, disgruntled postal worker. "I think we should give the policeman who arrested that freeloader a medal! Mandatory empathy programs? Ha! No amount of touchy-feely 'training' is gonna make me empathize with these idiots. This is just nature's way of weeding out the weak and infirm. In fact, we should cut what social spoon-feeding programs we've got left. Give your good and decent citizens a tax break."
The Results: curtailed social programs have left many citizens bereft of any safety net.
Taxes -2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#323: Get Teens out of MyFace? [Malsitar; ed:Lenyo]
The Issue
After the kidnapping, rape, and murder of a young blond girl made national headlines in @@NAME@@, the concerned parenting organization Mothers Against Youth Doing Stupid Stuff (MAYDSS) has raised concerns over the use of social networking sites by the nation's teens.
The Debate
1."Teens should not be allowed to use social networking!" cries the girl's mother, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Some creep added my little darling as a 'friend' on that awful website, and he used it to get all of her personal information and track her down! Obviously, the only sane course of action is to ban all legal minors from using social networking sites! And don't just stop at social networks: block everything else that MAYDSS doesn't approve of!"
The Results: it is now illegal for teens to view any sites except Club Kitten and My Little Donkey.
Civil Rights -2
Authoritarianism +0.010
Ideological Radicality +1
Law Enforcement +1
Nudity -2
Safety +1
Social Conservatism +2
Weather -1
2."Why that's utterly preposterous!" shouts Luke Zuckermann, founder of MyFace, a popular social networking site. "You can't restrict people like that! Oh, sure, today it's keeping teens from lining my wa- I mean - accessing my website, but tomorrow it's keeping everyone from anywhere the government doesn't like! I say free up the web, and get rid of restrictions!"
The Results: the nation leads REGION in per capita stalking.
Civil Rights +4
Taxes -1
3."You know, there's always a compromise," says local pervert @@RANDOMNAME@@ while watching you from a nearby tree. "As I see it, the best way to keep both sides of the argument happy is to remove all restrictions on what adults can view and increase restrictions on minors. But at the same time, lower the age of majority by a lot. What could possibly go wrong?"
The Results: the fastest growing demographic of porn viewership is twelve to seventeen.
Civil Rights +3
4."What could possibly go wrong, you ask?" panics your paranoid cousin, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "On the internet, nobody knows your actual age. It's a haven for malicious anonymity! Besides, children aren't the only people at risk on the internet. It's full of stalker-rapists and bomb-makers and viruses and sick, depraved porn. We're better off without it."
The Results: computers are used primarily for word processing and solitaire.
Civil Rights -3
Taxes +1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#169: @@ANIMAL@@ Hunting Laws Under Dispute [Vigorithia; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
The fierce debate on @@ANIMAL@@ hunting in @@NAME@@ has been brought to your attention after vociferous supporters of both sides of the argument stormed your parliament.
The Debate
1. "@@ANIMAL@@ hunting is a cruel and horrible 'sport' for the wealthy," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the 'Protect Anything Cute and Furry Society'. "How can you possibly justify it? Oh, they witter on about 'tradition' and 'pest control' and other such nonsense, but really we all know it's because these sadists love to torture poor, innocent animals! Hunting must be banned!"
The Results: the upper class have been throwing riots after hunting was recently banned.
Civil Rights -6
2. "Banning @@ANIMAL@@ hunting would be the end for centuries of tradition!" wails esteemed aristocrat @@RANDOMNAME@@ from atop his steed. "The thrill of the chase, the baying of the hounds, the @@ANIMAL@@ scooting through the undergrowth - it would be a travesty! We provide much needed stimulus to the local tourism, and you can't deny that @@ANIMAL@@s are pests - killing farmers' livestock for example! I propose that @@ANIMAL@@ hunting be encouraged, for the cultural - and economic - benefit of the nation!"
The Results: the nation is famous for having one of the world's largest ANIMAL hunting institutions.
3. "Well, you know what I think?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, while helping to assemble a small trebuchet. "I reckon that the real issue about this sport is the cruelty aspect, and no-one can deny that sending a pack of dogs to tear apart a poor, innocent @@ANIMAL@@ is cruel. I reckon we should just ban hunting with hounds and only allow kinder and more instantly lethal methods like guns, tranquillisers, and cruise missiles."
The Results: main battle tanks stalk the woods of NATION in search of ANIMALS.
4. "I'm firmly against the slaughter of dumb animals," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, while feeding an infant @@ANIMAL@@ with a milk bottle. "It would be best if the animals didn't die, and hunters could still do what they love to do - how about instead of shooting them or sending vicious canines after them, the hunter runs up to his quarry and gives it a symbolic 'tap' with his hand? Now isn't that much nicer for everyone?"
The Results: hunters have been known to lose limbs while attempting to 'play tag' with their prey.
#318: Death Penalty on Death Row? [Andacantra; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
After new DNA evidence has proven that recently executed inmate @@RANDOMNAME@@ was actually innocent, human rights activists have been campaigning to ban the death penalty.
The Debate
1. "This is government sanctioned murder!" chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a human rights activist, from outside your office door. "It must end! Not only is it murder, but it amounts to hypocrisy of the highest nature. Yeah, keeping criminals locked up instead of mercilessly killing them might be costly, but maybe we can offset the cost by putting them to work making handcrafts in the prison store? Regardless, we have to abolish the death penalty - it's the only right and moral thing to do!"
The Results: prisoners work-share to cut down rising costs of keeping them in jail.
Civil Rights +1
2. "What about other potential criminals out there?" whimpers @@NAME@@ Neighbourhood Watch spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has taken to hiding beneath your desk. "Did you know that since we introduced the death penalty the crime rate has decreased hugely? I say we introduce the death penalty for more crimes, like burglary and trespassing, and then no-one will ever dare to do anything wrong!"
The Results: the populace lives in fear of painful execution for minor offences.
Civil Rights -7
3. "There's absolutely no proof that the crime rate has decreased", states @@RANDOMNAME@@, your foreign affairs advisor, with a nod. "But I have an idea. If we're going to be killing these people, we ensure it's as non-violent and as respectful as possible; make our executions more humane and give these people some choice in how they die. The international community will love us for our civility and humaneness. We'll be an international benchmark!"
The Results: criminals are put to death while cuddling their favourite teddy bear.
4. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Chief Deputy Assistant Police Commissioner states, swirling a pair of handcuffs on one finger. "We don't go around executing innocent people for the fun of it; accidents happen! So those hippy people should quit their boo-hooin'. Look, if we give our boys in blue some more cash maybe there'll be less room for mistakes. Everyone goes away happy."
The Results: police officers have been re-kitted with designer uniforms and gold plated handcuffs.
5. "Hows abo' bringin' back dem-dere good ol' fashioned lynchings? Bring justice back ter tha peoples!" shouts Jethro, a survivalist. "Who'd dare ta kill innocent peoples when tha punishmen' is bein' pelted ta death wit' rocks?"
The Results: innocent people are routinely stoned to death by frenzied lynch mobs.
Taxes -2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#297: Intersex Athletes Demand Level Playing Field [Gior Altheriod; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
During the last @@NAME@@ Athletics Championship, a massive controversy arose following the revelation that double gold medalist Atlanta Johnson possesses both male and female sexual organs, despite being entirely female in external appearance.
The Debate
1. "How is this difficult to understand?" questions well-known sports commentator @@RANDOMNAME@@. "There are sports and competitions just for men, and there are sports and competitions just for women; we don't let men run in a women's race, so what's the difference here? And if it's too difficult to decide whether the athlete is a man or woman, then we shouldn't let them compete at all! Fair is fair is fair."
The Results: muscular women are banned from competing in sporting competitions.
2. "I think I see a solution to all this," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Solutions, whilst solving the crossword in your morning newspaper. "We should overhaul the entire sport system in @@NAME@@ so that people compete against each other based on skill, not gender. Sure, it might be expensive but it'd be worth it if we want everyone to be happy."
The Results: the 'kind of scrawny' 500 meter hurdle is a popular event.
Civil Rights +3
Taxes +1
3. "We can't just stop there!" protests well-known LGBTQQIA activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should completely overhaul @@NAME@@ itself to make it less hostile to those like Ms. Johnson! Schools, hospitals, workplaces – they'll all need to be changed! There should be public toilets catered solely for the intersex too! You can't put a price on equality!"
The Results: national parks have long lines of different gender-specific 'Porta-Pottys'.
Civil Rights +2
Taxes +1
4. "You're not actually going to listen to that parasite, I hope?" your bald, heavily tattooed cousin says with a raised eyebrow. "You want to actually give these monsters recognition? Not only are they going to make us the laughing stock of the international community, but they, and other freaks like them, are an insult to our race. What we must do is banish such scum from @@NAME@@; their lesser blood and DNA are only an impediment to the success and dominance of our race – a master race!"
The Results: hairdressers are among those who have disappeared overnight.
Civil Rights -4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#207: Secret Police In @@NAME@@? [GX-Land; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Anarchists have been covertly putting up anti-government posters all over @@NAME@@. Some of your closest advisors have suggested the implementation of a secret police force to deal with the more... difficult members of society.
The Debate
1. "Sometimes a government has got to deal with something without having to go through the 'proper channels'," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who does not exist within any of @@NAME@@'s records. "It happens sometimes and we have to deal with it. It's not just anarchists either - it's the terrorists, the criminals, the traitors, and the goddamn hippies. With a secret police we can arrest the troublemakers and torture them to find other dissenters without having to worry about fiddly matters like human rights."
The Results: rumours have it that a secret police is responsible for the recent spate of missing persons.
Civil Rights -2
Political Freedoms -36
Taxes +2
Ideological Radicality +5
2. "Don't listen to that idiot!" whispers @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your more guilt-ridden henchpersons. "I don't know how you feel about this but I think this would be a bad path for our government to go down. @@NAME@@ shouldn't resort to deceit and off-the-record brutality to put away people. A secret police force would ruin our fine nation. It's time our government was candid with its people and let them say what they want!"
The Results: anti-government political posters adorn every building like wallpaper.
Civil Rights +8
Political Freedoms +36
Taxes -3
3. "Or how about we be candid AND have a secret police force," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ your head spy from behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut out. "We could just reassign all the normal police into secret police. The beauty of it is that we won't have to bother solving crimes if it doesn't benefit the government! It's what we've always wanted! Not what the people want of course, but if they complain we can just make them... disappear."
The Results: the police force is rumoured to be made up of evil shadows with no souls.
Civil Rights -4
Political Freedoms -19
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#245: Clash Of Cultures [Drunk Cowboy Junkies; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
Conservative commentators have remarked that many foreign immigrants in @@NAME@@ are failing to take part in, or even acknowledge, the country's rich and varied culture, traditions, and social mores. This has caused some interethnic strife, and reports of violence in minority-dominated neighbourhoods have been increasing every day.
The Debate
1. "It's disrespectful," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, serving traditional @@ANIMAL@@-shaped cookies on a tray. "These people talk funny, dress funny, pray to bizarre gods, and cook their smelly food. Food I've never seen on any LOCAL menu. Some of them don't even speak our language very well! If at all! If immigrants want the privilege of living in this country then they should be made to adopt our own traditions! Otherwise our culture will slowly but surely disappear! If they refuse... well, then they can go back to their own country since they love it so much."
The Results: immigrants are required to salute the flag five times a day.
2. "I have a right to lead my life the way I want," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an immigrant, with the help of a translator. "I will not forsake my heritage for your people and I will not dirty my tongue with your heathen language. And if you have a problem with that then tell me this: what have I done wrong? I pay my taxes, I break no laws- and yet you think I should change? Those who don't wish to 'integrate' shouldn't have to."
The Results: racial and religious segregation has become rife as the various groups are loath to mingle.
Civil Rights +5
3. "Oh, there's no need to be like that!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the Multiculturalism Society in a cheery tone. "@@NAME@@ should be a more accepting country, open to new experiences! Embrace difference, people, don't reject it! These folk aren't hurting us or our traditions, they are showing us different ways of life and making us wiser and richer beings in the process! It's our responsibility to take the first step towards reparations and remove any ethnic bias from the names of our public holidays - how does Winter Day sound to you? I like it."
The Results: religious figures have been banned from public holidays to make them more multicultural.
Civil Rights -1
4. "We need to stop thinking of 'them' as a problem that needs to be fixed," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, an undergraduate in anthropology. "Integration in society is a two-way street, @@LEADER@@. We can't shun people for not following @@FAITH@@ or drinking their tea with the wrong hand. That's just silly! No, if we want immigrants to pick up our ways then we should be more willing to learn about theirs! Mandatory education courses should encourage citizens to learn more about other cultures in @@NAME@@."
The Results: all citizens must pass a 'multicultural sensitivity test' to be deemed fit for society
Civil Rights +4
5. "That's stupid," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, flatly. "I'm not going to 'bond' with immigrants by learning about their beliefs! For multiculturalism to actually function, everyone needs to actually meet these people and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Then maybe they'll realise that yeah, they're people too. The only way to do this is to put an end to segregated neighbourhoods - even if it means forcing families to move elsewhere."
The Results: property values in suburbs have nosedived after the middle class were forced to live next door to ethnic minorities.
Civil Rights -2
Taxes +1
6. "Everyone shut up, I have the perfect solution," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, shouting into a megaphone. "How about we kick these ungrateful foreigners out of the nation and never let them come back?! We've all heard what those ethnics are like, I wouldn't be surprised if they ate their own young! Immigration shouldn't be allowed! I won't abide it!"
The Results: the word 'foreigner' is considered a highly vulgar expletive.
Taxes +1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#115: @@NAME@@'s Schoolchildren Not Learning The Lingua Franca [Travis Dominicus; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
After a recent national survey revealed that almost three-quarters of the population only know the primary language of @@NAME@@, there have been rising calls for the government to take action.
The Debate
1. "Fluency in foreign languages is imperative to education," says Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@ of @@NAME@@ University. "Learning a new tongue not only gives a child a practical, marketable skill, but also encourages compassion and understanding of foreign cultures. With so many nations in the world, I do insist that we increase government funding in these areas and make it a compulsory part of the curriculum. As we say in Ancient Maxtopian: froggug sederty bungo-bungo!"
The Results: citizens are expected to be proficient in at least five languages.
Taxes +1
2. "To be frank, the need for outsiders' speak doesn't appeal to me in the slightest!" claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a fierce patriot. "Making our children learn these languages is an affront to the basic civil rights of @@NAME@@! What's more, this will encourage those damn foreigners to come here and take our jobs! I for one, will not stand for it! We can drop that area of education; it'll give us tax payers a bit of a breather for once. I've always said that we don't need any others but our own!"
The Results: all streets are privately owned toll roads.
Economy +4
Taxes -2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#247: Where There's Smoke [Avartinate; ed:Sirocco]
The Issue
@@NAME@@'s fire protection department has long been criticised for being slow, inefficient, and underfunded. A number of ideas have been proposed on how to deal with the problem.
The Debate
1. "See here, buddy," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, putting a friendly arm around your shoulder. "Your country needs fire protection, but you don't want to pay for it yourself. What do you say me and some of the boys here open up a few fire stations of our own and let the custome- citizens pay US instead of YOU paying THEM. It's not like we won't put out the fires if they don't have anything on them, we'll just bill them and their children and their children's children until we get all our money."
The Results: reports of arson have doubled since the introduction of a privatised fire protection service.
Economy +7
Taxes -1
2. "Woah, woah, woah!" Says liberal activist, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I don't want my rescuers to be putting less effort into their jobs because I don't have a credit card or live in a slum. Do you know when you're at your worst, financially? WHEN YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNT DOWN. This is a victimisation of the poor! The government should be in charge of the emergency services and they should treat everyone equally. It's only fair."
The Results: the fire protection service is wholly government-funded.
Taxes +1
3. "Not only that, but we need to prevent fires from happening in the first place," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Safety, carefully turning off the wall sockets in your office. "And if that means sending free smoke alarms, fire extinguishers, and informative pamphlets to every household in @@NAME@@ so be it! Damn the expenses, @@LEADER@@, lives are at stake!"
The Results: most citizens in NATION are abject pyrophobes after extremely graphic pamphlets were mailed nationwide by the government.
Taxes +1
4. "I think that sounds kinda... socialist," says @@RANDOMNAME@@ with a disgusted grimace. "The government should keep out of this if you ask me. The only reason fires happen is because people are stupid and they know a fire engine will come racing down the street to save them. Take away that safety blanket and I think you'll find they wise up quite quickly! We don't need any tax-consuming fire service! If idiots and their families go up in flames they'll have no one to blame but themselves."
The Results: the government's only official statement on the burning down of Capital City was that 'they shouldn't have been so careless'.
Economy +2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#259: A Taste Of Revenge [South Von; ed:Kandarin]
The Issue
A spectacular but failed attempt on your life made national news today. Interrogation of captured suspects has pinned the blame on agents of the nation of Blackacre, with which @@NAME@@ has notoriously chilly relations. Your cabinet is divided as to how to respond.
The Debate
1. "Assassins, huh? Well, two can play at that game!" says Warren McCue, your chief military adviser. "An eye for an eye! A tooth for a tooth! An assassination for a... missed shot, I suppose. Never mind that, think of the possibilities! Not only can we strike back at the scumbags who sent this assassin after you, we can turn our attention to... 'manipulating' the positions of foreign leaders and political rivals that stand in the way of @@NAME@@'s glory." He then points two fingers at the wall and mouths 'bang bang' noises.
The Results: the nation's diplomatic missives are now delivered via sniper rifle.
Political Freedoms -5
2. "Sending assassins to avenge you isn't enough!" argues hawkish talk-show host, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact that Blackacre is this bold means we haven’t made them fear us yet - and a nation that isn’t feared isn’t respected. We need to do the only thing we CAN do: bomb their cities! Raise a revolution! Salt their fields! It may cost money, but our nation’s honor is priceless."
The Results: the nation's new foreign policy of 'very disproportionate retribution' has its neighbors on edge.
Taxes +1
3. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" says the muffled voice of @@RANDOMNAME@@, an anti-violence protestor who was, until now, hiding in your air vents. "By building up our military-industrial complex, WE have become the aggressor. WE are giving nations like Blackacre good reasons to hate us! No wonder they tried to kill you - we aren't giving them enough breathing room. If we cut back our military a bit and sent them a fruit basket now and then these problems would never happen."
The Results: the government tries to improve relations with hostile countries by sending gift baskets.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Issues #285, #290, #291, #293, #294, #307, #312, #319, #320 and #321
#285: A Right Not to Work? [Nation of Quebec; ed:Lenyo]
The Issue
High ranking officials and devout followers of @@FAITH@@ have requested that the government close down retail stores during the Sabbath in accordance to their religious views.
The Debate
1. "It's written in our sacred texts that our Creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a devout follower of @@FAITH@@. "To work on the Sabbath is an insult to our Creator, and I think the last thing @@NAME@@ needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores for the Sabbath! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?"
The Result: emergency room admissions for 'stampede injuries' have skyrocketed since the introduction of weekly Sabbath Eve sales.
2. "I'm afraid that's not going far enough," adds @@RANDOMNAME@@, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. "This shouldn't apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it'll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. @@NAME@@ must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator."
The Result: police and sick people alike fear the Day of Rest as all institutions are forced to shut down.
3. "You're not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, your atheist economic adviser. "Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn't that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!"
The Result: retail stores offer sales every hour on the hour.
4. Slacker blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. "Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!"
The Result: midnight pizza breaks are common among the work-from-home population.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#290: Wheels of Misfortune [New Ziedrich; ed:Lenyo]
The Issue
In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in @@NAME@@. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.
The Debate
1. "This is ridiculous!" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. "Some of these stories are just obscene! We've got water pumps ceasing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy's gas tank just fell off! I can't make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!"
The Result: new safety regulations require all cars manufactured in NATION to be bombproof.
2. "I've never heard such nonsense!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, an executive representing @@NAME@@'s largest automaker. "Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you're at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing ..."
The Result: NATION-made cars tend to catch fire in people's driveways.
3. "What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!" shouts prominent communist @@RANDOMNAME@@, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. "These companies, they're always willing to sell their ethics for a quick @@CURRENCY@@! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it's gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the car companies! If we remove the profit motive, @@NAME@@ can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!"
The Result: the nationalized auto industry is adept at making durable little cars nobody wants to drive.
4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. "Hey, I got somethin' to say," he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. "You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but @@NAME@@ and our environment'll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They'll adjust."
The Result: heavy industry grinds to a halt as new equipment must be biked in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#291: A Question Of Sport [Dustistan; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
@@NAME@@'s football fans are outraged after the nation's bid to host an important regional competition was rejected. The reason? @@NAME@@'s football fields are slightly shorter than the international standard.
The Debate
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the Football Association of @@NAME@@, announced in a press release, "Clearly we're disappointed by this result. It's yet more evidence of what we've been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more @@CURRENCY@@s from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid."
The Result: glittering new sports stadiums adorn every city and town.
2. "You wanna spend my tax money on what?!?" wheezes couch potato @@RANDOMNAME@@ while flicking through sport channels. "If sporting associations need more money, why not ask for sponsorship from the private sector, like pizza chains and soda bottlers? Why should my money be used to help a bunch of good for nothing kids chase a bit of leather around?"
The Result: marketing departments of corporate giants compete to sponsor little league teams.
3. "There's nothing wrong with our stadiums!" shouts sports fan @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving a crowd rattle and blowing a vuvuzela. "They're just the right size for the sports I grew up playing! Why should we change the rules of our national sport just to please a bunch of foreigners? I say we support our team! And play by our own traditional rules! We should get rid of those silly foreign sports and their 'rules'!"
The Result: tourists are kicked out if they express interest in their national sport.
4. "They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That's crazy!" writes journalist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Sport isn't about rules, it's about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks – there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?"
The Result: kids laugh off vandalism and arson as "just fun".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#293: Maestro, Please [Castle in the Sky; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A delegation from the @@NAME@@ Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation's concert halls with a serenade.
The Debate
1. "The once venerable concert halls of @@NAME@@ are in a sorry state," laments trombonist @@RANDOMNAME@@, emptying the spit valve into your waste paper basket. "Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it's raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It's only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless."
The Result: conductors wield diamond-encrusted batons to fit in with their freshly gilded surroundings.
2. "These caterwauling miscreants don't deserve concert halls," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. "If they can't support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can't stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise."
The Result: concert pianists lie about their occupation to avoid ridicule.
3. "Times are tight. I sympathize with you," consoles @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative 'Hang In There' basket of goodies. "However, you need only ask, and – quick as a whip – my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes."
The Result: commercial jingles have been ham-handedly forced into world renowned symphonies.
4. "The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country," says Brigadier General @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I've long said that @@NAME@@'s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies @@NAME@@ and they'd do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?"
The Result: terrified tympanists are finding themselves on the front lines armed only with kettledrums.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#294: Ghost Riders on the Sly [Fmyeram; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
Following the passage of a well-supported bill that contained half a dozen riders, corruption watchdog groups are lobbying the government to take action against the use of these unrelated addenda in lawmaking.
The Debate
1. "This is unacceptable," says legislative clerk @@RANDOMNAME@@, peeking out from behind a wall of 3-ring binders. "It paves the way for corporate corruption, eats up all our time and money, and, quite frankly, is exhausting! We must require each bill to have one – clearly defined – purpose and be able to state that purpose in a concise title. That way we won't have any more defense spending bills with addenda about cheese processing regulations. The industry will hate it, but if I have to read through one more schizophrenic morass, I'll quit!"
The Result: legislators work 24/7 due to an influx of single-issue bills.
2. ''Yes, these riders can be a threat to the democratic process,'' begins Party Majority Leader @@RANDOMNAME@@, ''but to ban them outright is simply foolish. We need the ability to amend bills, and sometimes those attachments aren't always clearly connected. Therefore, I propose we grant the legislature the ability to veto any rider by a simple majority vote. That way, necessary riders can still be attached and this other tom-foolery can be nipped in the bud.''
The Result: the minority inevitably have their addenda vetoed.
3. "Look, this is how things have always worked," @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Cheesemongers Unlimited, Ltd. "Representatives' time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there'd be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that's corruption free and I'll eat my shoe!''
The Result: laws are littered with references to cheese.
4. "Can't trust the government to do anything right," scolds economic analyst @@RANDOMNAME@@, glancing up from a worn copy of The Fountainhead. ''We've given it a fair chance, it's failed, and now the private sector will have to swoop in to fix it. If you privatize the legislature, I can assure you it'll be humming efficiently and in the black by this time next year!''
The Result: the CEO of Laws Incorporated must sign off on all new bills.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#307: Derailing the Gravy Train [Burtina; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A national newspaper has uncovered details of a number of politicians' expenses documents, publishing claims from gold-plated toilet seats to elaborate steak dinners for dogs. Following the publication, the general public is clamoring at your door demanding answers.
The Debate
1. "This is the sort of disgraceful behavior we've come to expect from our politicians," bemoans unemployed teacher, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Look around you! No one else is living so extravagantly. We need to lower all politicians' salaries to the poverty line and put the kibosh on these claimed 'business expenses' too. Maybe then they'll understand how real people actually live in @@NAME@@."
The Result: politicians are to be found scavenging bins at night to supplement their income.
2. "This is quite absurd!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, taking a sip of Bollinger '86. "We toil day in and day out keeping this country running, and this is the thanks we get? Newspapers snooping around our personal business, questioning what we need to do our jobs. We incur certain, necessary expenses that may look odd when taken out of context – and that's just what the media is doing! They're distorting the facts just to boost their ratings. Well, I say their prying eyes have gone too far. We need to outlaw this underhanded 'reporting' for the sake of the patriotic values that made this nation great!"
The Result: newspapers cannot report anything about politicians without their explicit consent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#312: The Empire Strikes First? [Maleperduys; ed:Sedgistan]
The Issue
Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on @@NAME@@'s foreign policy - specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.
The Debate
1. "We need to hit back hard at these terrorist scumbags!" roars General @@RANDOMNAME@@, his face turning purple. "I say that we treat any illegal weapons program by these nations as an act of war! Granted, a preemptive strike will likely cause a war, but if these foreigners won't abide by international agreement, they have to be kept in line, for the good of our @@TYPE@@."
The Result: NATION is increasingly belligerent on the international stage.
2. Diplomatic bureaucrat @@RANDOMNAME@@ remarks calmly, "There's no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used some international body - the World Assembly, say, or a @@REGION@@ tribunal - to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape."
The Result: the government has declared its commitment to multilateralism.
3. "If these countries don't respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?" wonders political analyst @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason - because no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple - if we have WMDs of our own, they won't dare to strike at us. It may seen mad, but in this crazy world, it's the sanest thing we could do."
The Result: the nation is reliant on the principle of mutually assured destruction to maintain its security.
4. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist @@RANDOMNAME@@ replies, "As usual our nation's proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn't it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one – wait, sorry, I've heard that somewhere before."
The Result: the government is giving peace a chance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#319: Sizing Up The Competition [Cosumar; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in @@CURRENCY@@s, @@NAME@@'s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.
The Debate
1. "Our measurement system is a complete disaster!" wails renowned chemist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as she storms into your office. "We're stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like 'fingers' or 'donkeypower' or 'MegaFonzie'. It's too much! Nearly every other nation has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our communication with other countries. It'll cost a few @@CURRENCY@@s to convert, but it'll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!"
The Result: teams of painters are converting road signs from horse lengths to kilometers.
2. "Primitive? How dare that lab rat say such a thing!" spits infamous patriot @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They're not just measurements; they're part of our cultural heritage. Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a @@ANIMAL@@'s tail? You want to throw that all away because some scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly. Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads."
The Result: the populace harbors a fierce hatred of the metric system.
3. "This. This is a crossroads." states noted avant garde artist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words, it's a fool's errand. Everything's relative, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just live. Imagine how happy our nation'd be with no measurements." He pauses to puff on a pipe. "No time like the present, @@LEADER@@. No time."
The Result: businesses are scrambling to adapt to the government's mandate that 'time and measurement no longer exist'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#320: Criminals to Vote? [Iglesian Archipelago; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
Following recent elections in @@NAME@@ where the Equality for Vilified Inmates League won a noticeable percentage of seats, the media have jumped on the issue of whether or not prisoners should be allowed to vote.
The Debate
1. "This is absurd!", argues conservative politician, @@RANDOMNAME@@ "Why should criminals be allowed to participate in elections like normal people? Voting should be a privilege for the law-abiding members of this country. If someone breaks the law, they must lose the right to have a say in who governs them. At the very least it'll be a good deterrent."
The Result: citizens receive notices of disenfranchisement along with their parking tickets.
2. "You're not going to listen to that clap-trap I hope", says noted liberal commentator @RANDOMNAME@@. "Voting is a right that everyone should enjoy, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. We already punish those who break our law; restricting one's ability to vote is a punishment totally disproportionate to any crime!"
The Result: prison visits increase substantially during election years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#321: Cowboys and... Aliens? [Carlosianor; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along @@NAME@@'s border, rounding up illegal aliens and "escorting" them back home.
The Debate
1. "Who do these thugs think they are?" asks popular liberal blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like @@ANIMAL@@s! It's despicable, it's degrading, and it must be stopped!"
The Result: droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.
2. "Why, we just helpin' our community, is all," drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. "Matta'fact, we're helpin' the gov'ment as well, enforcin' border control and keepin' yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m'boys, so don't you worry 'bout a thing."
The Result: immigrant herding has become a national pastime.
The Issue
High ranking officials and devout followers of @@FAITH@@ have requested that the government close down retail stores during the Sabbath in accordance to their religious views.
The Debate
1. "It's written in our sacred texts that our Creator took the seventh day for rest, and so should we!" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a devout follower of @@FAITH@@. "To work on the Sabbath is an insult to our Creator, and I think the last thing @@NAME@@ needs is eternal damnation. Shut down all retail stores for the Sabbath! Besides, who wants to work then anyway?"
The Result: emergency room admissions for 'stampede injuries' have skyrocketed since the introduction of weekly Sabbath Eve sales.
2. "I'm afraid that's not going far enough," adds @@RANDOMNAME@@, a high-ranking official in the Synod of Zealous Religious Fanatics. "This shouldn't apply to just retail stores. Everything must be shut down! Hospitals, government agencies, police, and other emergency services. Sure, it'll be dangerous and likely cause some death, but saving our souls from eternal damnation should be our priority. @@NAME@@ must do all it can to appease the almighty Creator."
The Result: police and sick people alike fear the Day of Rest as all institutions are forced to shut down.
Economy -8
Taxes -3
3. "You're not really going to listen to what these nutjobs are proposing, are you?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, your atheist economic adviser. "Think about the damage this would cause to the economy. Isn't that more important than appeasing a few nuts? If anything, we should be requiring that all retail stores remain open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just think of all that unlimited shopping time!"
The Result: retail stores offer sales every hour on the hour.
Economy -1
Industry: Retail +1
4. Slacker blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@, still in pajamas and eating a pizza slice on a ratty couch, sends you a video chat invitation. "Dude, why not just give everybody shorter work weeks? Make flex time, telecommuting, and 35-hour work weeks mandatory for all us working folk. Trust me, the people will love you for it man!"
The Result: midnight pizza breaks are common among the work-from-home population.
Economy -5
Taxes +1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#290: Wheels of Misfortune [New Ziedrich; ed:Lenyo]
The Issue
In recent weeks, there has been growing concern over the quality of automobiles made in @@NAME@@. Representatives from all sides have gathered in your office and are asking you to make a decision.
The Debate
1. "This is ridiculous!" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairperson of the Association of Scorned Shoppers, while frantically waving a stack of papers. "Some of these stories are just obscene! We've got water pumps ceasing at 12,000 kilometers, airbags not deploying in accidents, and this one guy's gas tank just fell off! I can't make this stuff up! Our auto industry has gotten lazy and corrupt and is in desperate need of stronger regulation!"
The Result: new safety regulations require all cars manufactured in NATION to be bombproof.
Civil Rights +10
Taxes +1
2. "I've never heard such nonsense!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, an executive representing @@NAME@@'s largest automaker. "Our cars are perfectly fine! These allegations are completely baseless. Thing is, these proposed regulations are going to make us uncompetitive. Is this what you want? Foreign cars clogging our streets while our factories close down? Get rid of some of the regulations we have now, so we can do our jobs! While you're at it, a government subsidy would safeguard domestic auto manufacturing ..."
The Result: NATION-made cars tend to catch fire in people's driveways.
Economy +4
3. "What is this? Subsidies? Deregulation? Lies, all of it!" shouts prominent communist @@RANDOMNAME@@, sporting a practical yet stylish red beret. "These companies, they're always willing to sell their ethics for a quick @@CURRENCY@@! They always cut corners for a little extra profit, and look where it's gotten us! You want to make good cars, cars the people can be proud of? Have the people take control of the car companies! If we remove the profit motive, @@NAME@@ can finally produce quality vehicles, without wasteful bourgeois stuff like chrome wheels, air conditioning, and reclining seats!"
The Result: the nationalized auto industry is adept at making durable little cars nobody wants to drive.
Economy +3
Taxes +1
4. A wheelchair-bound man wearing a bicycle helmet on his head, plaster casts on his legs, and an irate expression on his face rolls himself into your office. "Hey, I got somethin' to say," he growls as he deliberately bumps into your desk. "You and your government have been playing nice with the car companies for far too long, and a lot of us cyclists are sick of it. I might have an axe to grind, but @@NAME@@ and our environment'll be better off if you just banned cars entirely. Who cares if people complain? They'll adjust."
The Result: heavy industry grinds to a halt as new equipment must be biked in.
Economy -15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#291: A Question Of Sport [Dustistan; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
@@NAME@@'s football fans are outraged after the nation's bid to host an important regional competition was rejected. The reason? @@NAME@@'s football fields are slightly shorter than the international standard.
The Debate
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the Football Association of @@NAME@@, announced in a press release, "Clearly we're disappointed by this result. It's yet more evidence of what we've been saying all along - sport in this country is severely underfunded. With more @@CURRENCY@@s from the government, we could start upgrading sporting venues across the country. This would definitely count in our favor when we submit our next bid."
The Result: glittering new sports stadiums adorn every city and town.
Economy +8
Taxes +1
2. "You wanna spend my tax money on what?!?" wheezes couch potato @@RANDOMNAME@@ while flicking through sport channels. "If sporting associations need more money, why not ask for sponsorship from the private sector, like pizza chains and soda bottlers? Why should my money be used to help a bunch of good for nothing kids chase a bit of leather around?"
The Result: marketing departments of corporate giants compete to sponsor little league teams.
3. "There's nothing wrong with our stadiums!" shouts sports fan @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving a crowd rattle and blowing a vuvuzela. "They're just the right size for the sports I grew up playing! Why should we change the rules of our national sport just to please a bunch of foreigners? I say we support our team! And play by our own traditional rules! We should get rid of those silly foreign sports and their 'rules'!"
The Result: tourists are kicked out if they express interest in their national sport.
4. "They rejected us because of a few feet of grass? That's crazy!" writes journalist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Sport isn't about rules, it's about having fun and getting fit! When we were kids, we could have a great time with just a stick and a couple of rocks – there were no rulebooks or standardized playing fields. We should encourage kids to get out there and have fun; who cares about a few silly rules?"
The Result: kids laugh off vandalism and arson as "just fun".
Civil Rights +4
Taxes -1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#293: Maestro, Please [Castle in the Sky; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A delegation from the @@NAME@@ Philharmonia has shown up in your office, underlining their petition for the renovation of the nation's concert halls with a serenade.
The Debate
1. "The once venerable concert halls of @@NAME@@ are in a sorry state," laments trombonist @@RANDOMNAME@@, emptying the spit valve into your waste paper basket. "Some are dank, the stucco is crumbling in others, and it's raining through the backstage roof of another! In the name of culture we must restore these halls to their former glory. It's only a pittance to the national budget, but to our cultural reputation? Priceless."
The Result: conductors wield diamond-encrusted batons to fit in with their freshly gilded surroundings.
Economy +6
Taxes +1 (if
country is developed) Taxes 0 (if country is new or undeveloped)
Business
Subsidization +2
Culture +2
Employment +4
Freedom From
Taxation -1
Influence +1
Taxation +1
2. "These caterwauling miscreants don't deserve concert halls," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, a tone-deaf curmudgeon. "If they can't support their hobby, then why should we, the suffering taxpayers, prop them up? Concert halls are businesses, and businesses that can't stay afloat on their own disappear. Such is life. I say leave the whole lot to their inevitable demise."
The Result: concert pianists lie about their occupation to avoid ridicule.
Economy -1
Taxes -1
Culture -2
Employment -1
Happiness -1
3. "Times are tight. I sympathize with you," consoles @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Restorations R Us, handing you a decorative 'Hang In There' basket of goodies. "However, you need only ask, and – quick as a whip – my company will fund the construction of concert halls all across this fair country. All I ask is that we put up some advertisements in the lobbies and integrate a tasteful nod to sponsors into the programmes."
The Result: commercial jingles have been ham-handedly forced into world renowned symphonies.
4. "The only reason to fund these musicians is if they are doing something worthwhile for their country," says Brigadier General @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I've long said that @@NAME@@'s Armed Forces would benefit greatly from a spic-and-span band in uniform. They would represent the splendor that embodies @@NAME@@ and they'd do it with pride! Of course by extension, they would be a part of the active forces and required to serve in battle if necessary. Always good to up the recruitment numbers, right?"
The Result: terrified tympanists are finding themselves on the front lines armed only with kettledrums.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
#294: Ghost Riders on the Sly [Fmyeram; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
Following the passage of a well-supported bill that contained half a dozen riders, corruption watchdog groups are lobbying the government to take action against the use of these unrelated addenda in lawmaking.
The Debate
1. "This is unacceptable," says legislative clerk @@RANDOMNAME@@, peeking out from behind a wall of 3-ring binders. "It paves the way for corporate corruption, eats up all our time and money, and, quite frankly, is exhausting! We must require each bill to have one – clearly defined – purpose and be able to state that purpose in a concise title. That way we won't have any more defense spending bills with addenda about cheese processing regulations. The industry will hate it, but if I have to read through one more schizophrenic morass, I'll quit!"
The Result: legislators work 24/7 due to an influx of single-issue bills.
Political
Freedoms +5
Taxes +1
Authoritarianism
+0.020
Averageness -30
Corruption -7
Eco-Friendliness
+1
Environmental
Beauty +2
Ideological
Radicality -2
Law Enforcement
+1
Pacifism -4
Safety +3
Social
Conservatism +1
Welfare +1
2. ''Yes, these riders can be a threat to the democratic process,'' begins Party Majority Leader @@RANDOMNAME@@, ''but to ban them outright is simply foolish. We need the ability to amend bills, and sometimes those attachments aren't always clearly connected. Therefore, I propose we grant the legislature the ability to veto any rider by a simple majority vote. That way, necessary riders can still be attached and this other tom-foolery can be nipped in the bud.''
The Result: the minority inevitably have their addenda vetoed.
Political
Freedoms -5
3. "Look, this is how things have always worked," @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Cheesemongers Unlimited, Ltd. "Representatives' time is both finite and valuable. Do you have any idea how many bills there'd be if each one could only have one aim? Legislation would come to a stand-still! Yes, it can be prone to corruption, but find me a government that's corruption free and I'll eat my shoe!''
The Result: laws are littered with references to cheese.
Economy +7
Political
Freedoms +20
Taxes -1
4. "Can't trust the government to do anything right," scolds economic analyst @@RANDOMNAME@@, glancing up from a worn copy of The Fountainhead. ''We've given it a fair chance, it's failed, and now the private sector will have to swoop in to fix it. If you privatize the legislature, I can assure you it'll be humming efficiently and in the black by this time next year!''
The Result: the CEO of Laws Incorporated must sign off on all new bills.
Economy +44
Political
Freedoms +10
Taxes -4
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#307: Derailing the Gravy Train [Burtina; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A national newspaper has uncovered details of a number of politicians' expenses documents, publishing claims from gold-plated toilet seats to elaborate steak dinners for dogs. Following the publication, the general public is clamoring at your door demanding answers.
The Debate
1. "This is the sort of disgraceful behavior we've come to expect from our politicians," bemoans unemployed teacher, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Look around you! No one else is living so extravagantly. We need to lower all politicians' salaries to the poverty line and put the kibosh on these claimed 'business expenses' too. Maybe then they'll understand how real people actually live in @@NAME@@."
The Result: politicians are to be found scavenging bins at night to supplement their income.
2. "This is quite absurd!" scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, taking a sip of Bollinger '86. "We toil day in and day out keeping this country running, and this is the thanks we get? Newspapers snooping around our personal business, questioning what we need to do our jobs. We incur certain, necessary expenses that may look odd when taken out of context – and that's just what the media is doing! They're distorting the facts just to boost their ratings. Well, I say their prying eyes have gone too far. We need to outlaw this underhanded 'reporting' for the sake of the patriotic values that made this nation great!"
The Result: newspapers cannot report anything about politicians without their explicit consent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#312: The Empire Strikes First? [Maleperduys; ed:Sedgistan]
The Issue
Reports indicate that several neighbouring nations are engaged in major weapons programs in contravention of international law and treaty, focusing public discourse on @@NAME@@'s foreign policy - specifically, its position on preemptive strikes.
The Debate
1. "We need to hit back hard at these terrorist scumbags!" roars General @@RANDOMNAME@@, his face turning purple. "I say that we treat any illegal weapons program by these nations as an act of war! Granted, a preemptive strike will likely cause a war, but if these foreigners won't abide by international agreement, they have to be kept in line, for the good of our @@TYPE@@."
The Result: NATION is increasingly belligerent on the international stage.
Taxes +1
2. Diplomatic bureaucrat @@RANDOMNAME@@ remarks calmly, "There's no need to go off half-cocked. It would be much better if we used some international body - the World Assembly, say, or a @@REGION@@ tribunal - to investigate these rumours objectively for us. That way we have the international community on our side, and no one can accuse us of playing judge and jury. It will be well worth the extra diplomatic costs and bureaucratic red tape."
The Result: the government has declared its commitment to multilateralism.
Political Freedoms +4
Taxes +1
3. "If these countries don't respect international law, why would they respect international agencies?" wonders political analyst @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Our neighbours are acquiring these weapons for a reason - because no one wants to pick a fight with a country that has weapons of mass destruction. The solution is simple - if we have WMDs of our own, they won't dare to strike at us. It may seen mad, but in this crazy world, it's the sanest thing we could do."
The Result: the nation is reliant on the principle of mutually assured destruction to maintain its security.
Taxes +1
4. Noted pacifist and tambourine artist @@RANDOMNAME@@ replies, "As usual our nation's proud leaders can only see violent solutions to our problems abroad. Wouldn't it be refreshing if they focused on achieving peace through communication and accommodation, rather than force of arms? You may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one – wait, sorry, I've heard that somewhere before."
The Result: the government is giving peace a chance.
Taxes -1
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#319: Sizing Up The Competition [Cosumar; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
After a recent conversion mistake cost a government research project millions in @@CURRENCY@@s, @@NAME@@'s scientists have come to you begging for the country to switch to the metric system.
The Debate
1. "Our measurement system is a complete disaster!" wails renowned chemist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as she storms into your office. "We're stuck using primitive and illogical measurements like 'fingers' or 'donkeypower' or 'MegaFonzie'. It's too much! Nearly every other nation has converted to the metric system. Think of how much it would help our communication with other countries. It'll cost a few @@CURRENCY@@s to convert, but it'll be damn cheaper than the mistakes our system is causing!"
The Result: teams of painters are converting road signs from horse lengths to kilometers.
Taxes +4
2. "Primitive? How dare that lab rat say such a thing!" spits infamous patriot @@RANDOMNAME@@. "They're not just measurements; they're part of our cultural heritage. Where would we be without our attoparsecs, hogsheads, or shakes of a @@ANIMAL@@'s tail? You want to throw that all away because some scientists are too lazy to do their jobs correctly. Give the taxpayers a break and ignore these eggheads."
The Result: the populace harbors a fierce hatred of the metric system.
Taxes -1
3. "This. This is a crossroads." states noted avant garde artist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This idea that we can standardize how people look at the world with words, it's a fool's errand. Everything's relative, man. We need to stop trying to control the world and just live. Imagine how happy our nation'd be with no measurements." He pauses to puff on a pipe. "No time like the present, @@LEADER@@. No time."
The Result: businesses are scrambling to adapt to the government's mandate that 'time and measurement no longer exist'.
Taxes -1
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#320: Criminals to Vote? [Iglesian Archipelago; ed:Sanctaria]
The Issue
Following recent elections in @@NAME@@ where the Equality for Vilified Inmates League won a noticeable percentage of seats, the media have jumped on the issue of whether or not prisoners should be allowed to vote.
The Debate
1. "This is absurd!", argues conservative politician, @@RANDOMNAME@@ "Why should criminals be allowed to participate in elections like normal people? Voting should be a privilege for the law-abiding members of this country. If someone breaks the law, they must lose the right to have a say in who governs them. At the very least it'll be a good deterrent."
The Result: citizens receive notices of disenfranchisement along with their parking tickets.
Political Freedoms -1
2. "You're not going to listen to that clap-trap I hope", says noted liberal commentator @RANDOMNAME@@. "Voting is a right that everyone should enjoy, regardless of whether or not they have committed a crime. We already punish those who break our law; restricting one's ability to vote is a punishment totally disproportionate to any crime!"
The Result: prison visits increase substantially during election years.
Political Freedoms +2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#321: Cowboys and... Aliens? [Carlosianor; ed:Luna Amore]
The Issue
A gang of rough-riders has been policing towns along @@NAME@@'s border, rounding up illegal aliens and "escorting" them back home.
The Debate
1. "Who do these thugs think they are?" asks popular liberal blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The police should be the only ones handling border control! If we leave it in the hands of wild frontiersmen, immigrants will be herded and probed like @@ANIMAL@@s! It's despicable, it's degrading, and it must be stopped!"
The Result: droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police.
Civil Rights +1
2. "Why, we just helpin' our community, is all," drawls the self-proclaimed sheriff of the cowboy gang, Harry Fjord, as he slides off his saddle to shake your hand. "Matta'fact, we're helpin' the gov'ment as well, enforcin' border control and keepin' yer towns safe from them damned illegals. I can handle m'boys, so don't you worry 'bout a thing."
The Result: immigrant herding has become a national pastime.
Taxes -1
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